id be glad to
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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