My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
