I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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