I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize