It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
