so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
