How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
