i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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