He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
