He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
