I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
