do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize