He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
