easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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