I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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