2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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