What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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