Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize