Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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