Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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