Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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