tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
