I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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