Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
