ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize