Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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