I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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