there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
