oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
