ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
