and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
