her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
