I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
