my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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