does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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