I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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