did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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