I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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