Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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