she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize