It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
