I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
