either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize