I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
