After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
