Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize