Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
