my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
