I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
