a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
im holly from the hills drunk
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
