I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
