i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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