dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
