nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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