When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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