fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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