Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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