When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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