Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
