Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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