i would punch a child for taco bell
i may or may not be watching the land before time
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
