I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
