It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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