Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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