im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
