3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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