this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
