He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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