ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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