I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
