I just threw up on my dentist
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
this is an emotional support booty call
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
