You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
