I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize