If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
